#when i was basically wearing ugly tacky outfits my whole life

[clowngremlin]

i will lowkey always be that weird emo 13 year old who wore a red tie and black shirt to the grade 7 dance because he wanted to look like revenge era gerard way and billie joe armstrong, like i peaked when i was 13

[techouspeaks]

Real Rip-Offs!: Fate: The Winx Saga

It’s the infamous show that takes the magic of Winx and flushes it down the toilet! May contain spoilers.

Where the frick do I even begin with this? Like what the hell!?

Like everyone else, when I saw the teasers and trailers for this I wasn’t too thrilled with the whole thing, but I decided I’ll give it a watch and boy...this is bad. Really really bad! Omg! Not very long into the first episode and already I wanted to turn it off! I usually get that feeling within maybe the second or third episode of a show but no! This was bad even from the beginning.

Let’s put a side the blatant obvious issue with replacing Musa and Flora’s race, which Captain Marvel kinda already did that. She was black for a while then they made her white again. No one gave a dang but okay. Priorities I suppose. But this series does things that fails already on arrival. 

First, we’re introduced to Bloom AFTER she finds out her powers. Yup! We’re just thrown in there like Mummy Returns, she’s like boop! We’re there! Right after a farmer gets killed by something called a “Burned One” right at the beginning! A blatant shadow monster you only end up seeing in the distance in the shadows. When I first played the episode, I thought I accidentally played an episode of Goosebumps at first and I mean it in that sense. It wasn’t scary, it was pathetic! Are You Afraid of the Dark had more nightmare fuel and that show was on Nickelodeon! 

The dialog already dated! Bloom actually says the word “mansplaining” and is already a total b@#$ to Sky and they haven’t even dated! Gosh, at least when Bloom had troubles with Sky they at least established they’re dating! Despite the whole “feminist” agenda, Bloom is a freakin moron and needs to be saved by Aisha and a teacher. The whole use of smartphones, at least in the older series, they made up their own tech so the series could take place at any time. 

Let’s not forget the wonderful, unique personalities of each of our favorite girls (except Techna) has been replaced with “troubled teen with parent/social issues”. Like every single girl in this is awful! There’s no good guy to root for! 

Like I don’t expect teens to be happy all the time. I suffer mental health problems including anxiety! I know that depression isn’t about being sad all the time either! I have friends who have it! My teen years weren’t the greatest and I wouldn’t relive those years either. However, even with all that, the way this show depicts emotional troubles and mental health, it makes it seem like if you’re not troubled all the time and you’re not moping about your problems more often than not, you don’t have mental health issues or emotional problems! 

There’s taking light of it where characters don’t seem to face real issues and then there’s over exaggerating it and this does just that. It over exaggerates what teen life and mental health is like.

Not to mention, but none of the characters seem likeable cuz again, there unique personalities were replaced with “troubled teen”. You don’t even to know their names. The only thing that sets them apart is the reason why they’re miserable and the boys, don’t get me started with them. Just a heartthrob with no brain that has to back down when a girl gets mad at them cuz girls can’t be strong unless the man backs down to let her be. Which is the opposite of what that whole girl power agenda is.

News flash, a woman isn��t strong if they run into danger without a brain. Like they don’t need to be super smart but at least know how to think on their feet. That’s what old Bloom did at least and a woman isn’t strong if the man has to back down for her. What made Mulan (1999) a strong character was cuz the guys didn’t back down on her. She had to learn to fight and never gave up on it. Same with Bloom and the other girls of the old series. They fought a long side the dudes and saw them as equal. They didn’t use “mansplaining” cuz girls and guys were equal. 

There’s also no comradery. I get that in the first episode, the Winx weren’t that close yet in the old series, but they at least weren’t mean to each other. They at least were chilled with each other, were polite with one another and thus would already be comfortable around each other. You could be friend any of the old girls and get a long with them fine. Had any one treat me the way these new girls did back in my day in school, I wouldn’t have befriended a single one!  Everyone’s so riled up in their own personal problems and they just act mean that, even when they’re trying to sympathize with each other, it all comes across as insincere. 

I get teens can be mean. I wasn’t always nice either but not this mean. Everyone gets so offended and that’s the thing. The boys get a long with each other fine. The girls always act like they’re ready to slit each other’s throat and already to mope about something or get mad about something. So basically this is the stereotype of what people think feminism is. Girls are total emotional which is somehow a personality, “so much better than the boys” and the guys are laidback idiots with “duh” as a personality.

I was even shock that the replacement for Flora “Terra”, nearly kills Riven by hanging him by vine. Like, she down right tries to kill him! That’s attempted murder, yet it’s brushed a side for whatever dang reason! Flora wouldn’t do this, not even to her enemies! She would get mad but she would never use her powers against someone that clearly wasn’t an enemy and even then, she wouldn’t go that far. If murderous tendencies counts as strong, the people who made this show and the people who agree with that scene, need serious therapy!

Flora was strong cuz she was kind. She used her abilities to the best of her own, stood up even when she was scared and showed kindness to even people being mean to her. That takes a lot of skill and to some that’s “unrealistic”. Well you know what? It is realistic! I know people who do their best to avoid conflict and always stay kind cuz kindness is a rare thing! 

Now and I know people who attack people for hating Terra cuz they believe it’s  body shaming if you do, but no! I don’t like Terra not cuz she’s not skinny. I shame on her cuz she like her I would say friends but more so they’re enemies under the same roof, are stereotypical “my life is bad or it isn’t perfect so I must act like a rude, stuck up brat and mope around a lot” and for showing that murderous tendencies = edgy and strong, which is dangerous. Sure, it was a quick moment and but I’m with Riven, he could have died and who knows, what if Riven had asthma or other breathing problems, Terra doesn’t know! 

I also watched where Bloom finally gains her wings and the effects for that is so bad, even the effects for Power Rangers are more credible despite this series being a “adult version”. 

This series is just bad! It’s not even fun kind of bad. All the characters are either mean or stupid or both, you can’t root for them. No one has a personality outside edgy, stupid or troubled teen. Has dialog and themes that make it dated on arrival. The school and settings are uninspiring. The effects are down right pathetic! The outfits are ugly! Not even as a teen would I wear stuff like that and I wore some tacky choices. I’m a 90s girl, I had tacky stuff but man! Bloom half the time looks like she’s wearing curtains from a haunted mansion and not even from the Haunted Mansion. More like a frumpy, sad knock off version of the movie.

Yeah, this series is the worst! It’s not even just the controversial stuff that makes it bad. It’s just all around bad in everything it gives! I can’t even stand watching a single episode. It’s so bad I don’t even want to use pictures or screenshots of it for this review!  I give Fate: The Winx Saga 1 out of 10 stars! I would give it 0 if I could! Just don’t bother! Watch the old Winx and World of Winx cuz those two series for kids are surprisingly more adult than this piece of crap! 

Now excuse me while I go enjoy another episode of Aikatsu Planet! At least that show is fun to watch and the characters don’t make me want to slap them!

Also for my rip off reviews I don’t read the notes usually. You can reblog, rant at me and call me whatever, but you’re writing to no one so have fun! If you like this show more power to you! Not everyone wants to worship it though!

[hermannsthumb]

So I just saw your Halloween prompts! I don't think you've done this one yet so could you do "we hate each other but we were invited to a mutual friend’s party and were warned to be civil so you complimented my costume and fuck you, i haven’t changed yet"?

from halloween prompts here

ok I thought I'd get a little funky with this one and set it within the first year of them getting shoved in the shatterdome together when they’re just total dicks to each other. for reference this is the ABSOLUTE EXACT OUTFIT NEWT IS WEARING!!!!!

----------------

Newt arrives fashionably late to the party.

Well, it’s more just like late late. His date with a hot ranger hopeful went a little over schedule, so over schedule Newt had to straight-up bail on the guy before they got the check, which he felt bad about, and then he left his phone in the bar and had to double back for it (awkwardly pretending he didn’t notice his date chatting up another guy at the counter), and then he missed his bus and had to hail the most expensive Uber ride of all time, and basically didn’t make it back to base until well after he’d promised to appear with cupcakes. Newt spent a shit-ton of time on those cupcakes and basically sold his soul to get the ingredients for them (rationing, man, it’s killing his amateur baker dreams), so he books it to the break room with the tray without even bothering to change into his costume first. These are more important.

Everything is in full swing when he gets there. The lightbulbs in the overhead lights have been swapped out for purple ones, and the music is pulsing so loud Newt feels it vibrating in his stomach; tacky Halloween garland, most of it homemade, is hung from practically everything; every available surface not cluttered with bottles of cheap booze or chip bowls is cluttered with plastic Jack-O-Lanterns and dripping black candles. In short, it looks pretty fucking fun. Newt squeezes his way through the costumed crowd, rearranges a few candles to carefully slip his cupcakes onto one of the repurposed card tables in a place of honor, and resolves to make himself a drink with the first bottle of something he finds that’s not fruit-flavored—he’s earned it after his shitty night.

There’s a tap at his shoulder before he can make good on his promise to himself of a drink. “Yeah, whatever, I know I’m late, dude,” he shouts over the music. “It’s been a night. I—” He turns. “Oh.”

It’s not Hermann like he (admittedly, foolishly) thought, but rather Tendo, who’s already flushed a bright red, undoubtedly from whatever horrific purple concoction is in his paper cup. Newt wonders if it’s what’s currently foaming in the ominous black cauldron labeled Witch’s Brew next to the cheese dip. He’ll pass, thanks. “It’s about time,” Tendo says. “Gottlieb has been on my ass all fuckin’ night long about where you are. Go find him already.”

“Hermann’s been on your ass about me?” Newt says, eyebrows jumping. Out of everyone in this entire goddamn room—including the janitorial staff, who have had a bone to pick with Newt ever since his ill-advised kaiju eyeball experiment, and resulting explosion, that left the laboratory coated in slime for a week—Hermann is perhaps the very last person he would ever expect to give a shit about his whereabouts. It’s just that Hermann prides himself on not caring about Newt’s personal life, something he takes great care to remind Newt of at every possible opportunity, and Newt would’ve thought he’d have jumped at the chance to enjoy every Newt-free second to the fullest. He should know well enough by now that Hermann manages to find something to complain about in anything. “Why?” he says, and this time, he rolls his eyes. “Did he miss having someone to bitch at? Or bitch about?”

“Easy,” Tendo says warningly. He pokes his finger at Newt’s chest. “Try to keep it civil, boys, okay? I am not having you crush our chances of Pentecost approving a New Year’s bash with a repeat of—”

“Okay, okay,” Newt sighs, waving him off. He doesn’t exactly want a reminder of his and Hermann’s, uh, behavior at the somewhat disastrous Valentine’s Day party, either, or how tense the lab was for weeks following it. Well. Tenser than usual. “I got it. No fights. Where is he?”

“Hiding in that corner,” Tendo says. He gestures with his cup, splashing purple Witch’s Brew all down the front of his dumb greaser costume, and Newt squints where he’s directed; he thinks he can make out pale, sharp cheeks and the flash of a tweed coat. Trust Hermann to wear tweed to a Halloween party. He’s so lame. “Nice pants, by the way.”

“Thanks,” Newt says, distracted, and pushes his way through the crowd.

Newt’s surprised that Hermann even bothered showing up in the first place, and he can’t imagine he’s been very exciting company to anyone all night. The guy hates parties. Sure enough, he’s staring sullenly at his shoes when Newt finally reaches him, back pressed against the wall, soda can gripped so tightly in his free hand Newt can see the aluminum starting to crinkle under his fingertips. Newt doesn’t say hi, just sidles up next to him. Hermann doesn’t seem to notice. “How’s the party?” Newt says.

Hermann’s whole body goes rigid; when he turns to Newt, his lips have curled down into an ugly grimace, like he just ate a whole lemon or maybe caught sight of his tragic hairdo in a mirror. It’s good to see you, too, Hermann, Newt thinks. “Distasteful,” Hermann says. “They haven’t a single decent thing to drink anywhere.”

“Hm,” Newt says. He shoves his hands in his pockets. “I heard you were asking about me.”

“Hardly,” Hermann says with a scoff.

“I heard Tendo didn’t get a second alone you were asking about me so much,” Newt says. “What, did you miss me? I bet you just came here tonight to hang out with me, didn’t you? I bet you were all disappointed when I wasn’t here, and…”

“Hardly,” Hermann snaps. Newt grins. “My presence at this party is in no way affected by your own. Don’t flatter yourself.”

“You were asking where I was, though,” Newt says.

Hermann’s lips contort again, this time into a thin line, and he turns a glare on Newt—though, Newt notices with a flare of glee, his cheeks have gone a bit pink. “I was aware you had…a date, tonight,” he says, slowly, “and—when you were not back by a reasonable time—well, forgive me for worrying that something may have happened to you.” His soda can begins to bend inward. “I wasn’t fancying the idea of having to tack on all of your work atop mine, is all.”

“Sure,” Newt says. He’d be touched, he thinks, if Hermann wasn’t the worst. “Anyway, look, I promise I’ll stay out of your hair—Tendo told us to behave ourselves. Just wanted to brighten your night real fast.”

Hermann snorts. “He warned me similarly. Well—in the interest of civility, I suppose I should compliment your costume.”

The grin vanishes off Newt’s face. Any feelings of good will towards Hermann—any sentimental feelings of companionability—that have been steadily building vanish with it. “Costume?” he says.

“Yes,” Hermann says. He waves his cane up and down, vaguely, over Newt. “Costume. ‘S better than mine, all I’ve got are some bloody vampire fangs in my pocket I haven’t even bothered to put on. You’re a clown, are you not?”

Briefly, Newt considers upending Hermann’s soda can over his head, or maybe indulging in a repeat of the Valentine’s Day party and using that whole fucking black cauldron. Instead, he just blushes and scowls. “Do you have to be such a jackass all the time?” he snaps. “No, I’m not dressed up like a fucking clown. These are my date clothes. A clown—that’s something coming from you, Doctor Sweatervest, you wouldn’t know fashion if it crawled out of the fucking Breach and stomped on you.”

Hermann looks mortified. Good—he should. “Newton—I didn’t—"

“Have a fun time,” Newt says, and storms off.

The thing about Hermann is that he’s a real square who knows exactly how to get under Newt’s skin, even when he doesn’t mean it; the thing about Newt is that he’s majorly cool and knows exactly how to get under Hermann’s skin, and he almost always means it. Newt thinks, if they were other people, he might consider them Frenemies, but he really can’t imagine a world in which Hermann would ever willingly be his friend, so half of that is a bust. Besides, Hermann’s not really his enemy either. He’s more of a…rival. Though it does complicate things severely when Newt takes into account how bad Hermann wants to get into his pants.

“That’s really great and all,” the guy Newt’s been chatting up by the snack table says, “but I don’t have any idea who you’re talking about.”

“It’s just like,” Newt says, “I know he wants me. I’ve caught him staring at my ass, like, twenty times in the lab. And when the eyeball incident happened—he was way too happy to strip me down for the emergency shower.” The event was very conflicting for Newt, too, to be quite honest, and he still looks back on it (Hermann, shouting at him and calling him an idiot, while ripping off his sizzling clothing) with a mixture of annoyance and arousal. He shrugs. “I just don’t know why he doesn’t admit it to himself. We’d all be happier. Can you believe he said I was dressed like a clown?”

“Uh-huh,” the guy says. “Look, Dr. Geiszler, I’m just trying to get some pretzels.”

“What?” Newt says. “Oh. Sorry. Here—” He uses a plastic spoon to scoop some out onto his new friend’s orange paper plate, and finds himself alone again very swiftly.

It’s not like the clown comment ruined his night or anything. It’s just that he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about it, once, or stop talking about it either, and every time he does, he feels angry and embarrassed all over again, and maybe sort of wants revenge against Hermann for it. He think he might know how to get it, too.

Hermann is lurking in the same place Newt left him, though instead of his soda can, he’s tensely nursing a paper cup. His name is Sharpied across it in his familiar scribble. Newt announces himself by wrapping his fingers around Hermann’s, raising the cup to his lips, and taking a sip. (It’s more soda.) “Hey, Hermann,” he says.

Hermann stares at him blankly; a familiar blush is making its way back to his cheeks. “Ah,” he says. “Hello.”

“What’s up?” Newt says. He scoots in next to Hermann until their shoulders touch; then, for good measure, he brushes his hand over the one Hermann has clenched firmly on his cane. He feels Hermann shiver. “You having fun?”

“Not—” Hermann clears his throat. He’s looking down at their hands. “Er. Not particularly.”

“Sorry to hear that,” Newt says, and (this time, settling his hand on top of Hermann’s) adds in a low voice, “I bet I could make it more exciting.”

The revenge plan was pretty simple. Preying upon Hermann’s obvious feelings for him, Newt would seduce him, get halfway through makeouts in some secluded hallway, and then pull away and be like just kidding! You suck!, announce he was going to find the sexy ranger he had a date with tonight who was totally into him, and go enjoy the rest of the party while Hermann—well, moped, Newt guessed. At least understood how Newt felt earlier. Except once they actually start making out, Newt realizes that’s kind of fucked up of him, and if Hermann tried the reverse (not that Newt has feelings for Hermann, obviously, but like—hypothetically), Newt would probably lock himself up in his quarters and cry for weeks. Plus, Hermann is apparently kind of awesome at making out?

“I take it your date did not go well,” Hermann breathes in his ear. “I can’t say I mind very much. Will you pull my hair again?”

Newt’s going to examine all this later. “Fuck yeah,” he says.

[ambassadorquark]

ALL OF LWAXANA TROI’S APPEARANCES RANKED BY HOW GOOD HER OUTFITS ARE

this rating system has nothing to do with the actual quality of the episode in question and is entirely based on how iconic a given lwaxana outfit is and how many there are in the episode in question. altogether lwaxana appears in nine episodes, which i will list here in order of least to most powerful aesthetically

TNG season 7 episode 7, “dark page”

total number of outfits/costume changes: 3

while this episode is fantastic in my opinion, it definitely lacks looks. one of the costume changes is just the hospital gown everyone in star trek wears while in a telepathically induced coma of some kind, and the other two are certainly not flashy. i actively dislike the brown dress since i feel that even lwaxana’s simpler looks ought to have an elegance or flair that this one lacks. her other dress in this episode is actually quite nice, simple and dark-colored to demonstrate that she’s depressed but also just fashionable & shiny enough to give it a couple points. cumulative rating: 3/10

DS9 season 3 episode 10, “fascination”

total number of outfits/costume changes: 2

“fascination” contains only two lwaxana outfits, both of which are charmingly tacky but unfortunately some of my least favorites out of her wardrobe. the purple dress is sort of shapeless and her headdress is kind of a fumble, and the orange dress is just kind of ugly. while i love DS9’s commitment to giving lwaxana an extensive collection of wigs in addition to her many extremely good dresses, the one she wears in this episode is pretty bad. a point or two added for how truly buckwild these looks are. cumulative rating: 4/10

DS9 season 1 episode 17, “the forsaken”

total number of outfits/costume changes: 3 (including a repeat of a dress from TNG)

first of all, this one loses a lot of points for having a repeat outfit in it; the pink and purple dress, to the best of my knowledge, also makes an appearance in one of her TNG episodes, “ménage à troi”. luckily, the dress in question is great and has been paired with an EXTREMELY powerful pink wig. the wig game in this episode is actually solid as hell and is basically the only reason i don’t hate the weird blue lace thing she wears at one point. i mean it’s certainly iconic but it also kind of sucks. and as beautiful as this episode’s most emotional moments are, the dress she wears during them is way too plain for me to rate this one too highly. overall the looks are decent and memorable, and the introduction of wigs is a legendary move on the DS9 folks’ part. cumulative rating: 5/10

TNG season 4 episode 22, “half a life”

total number of outfits/costume changes: 5

although this episode has a LOT of outfits, i don’t really like most of them too much. the teal dress she starts the episode out in is my favorite, but the others are either a bit uninteresting or like, not great. i guess i appreciate her belt game in this one, but the purple dress is kind of weird all in all. i also guess her wearing a plain-looking nightgown makes her seem a little realer and more down-to-earth but it does require me to suspend my disbelief that lwaxana doesn’t go to sleep in like, a prismatic hot pink negligee or something, so that takes some points off. cumulative rating: 6/10

DS9 season 4 episode 21, “the muse”

total number of outfits/costume changes: 5

while the maternity outfits in this episode are classy and characterful, they’re not very memorable or particularly #iconic. the remaining two looks, however, are pretty great. although the wedding dress IS simple, it’s pretty and the weird face veil is a nice touch, and i also love the addition of a glowing orb as an accessory. the final outfit of the episode is beautiful, though; the textures of the fabric add a lot of interest to a neutral-colored look... also notice that she’s wearing beige to match odo’s colors! this is a good one for outfits that aren’t quite as much weird fun as the usual but still genuinely stylish and nice-looking. cumulative rating: 7/10

TNG season 1 episode 11, “haven”

total number of outfits/costume changes: 2

this episode gets points, despite only having two looks, for its commitment to a striking color scheme. also, this is lwaxana’s debut episode, and it establishes her as That Bitch right out of the gate. the sequined shoulder cutouts of the top dress and the extremely icon backless look AND top notch accessorizing on the second are pretty choice. cumulative rating: 8/10

TNG season 5 episode 20, “cost of living”

total number of outfits/costume changes: 5

NOW we’re getting somewhere! the looks in this episode are all over the place but include one of my ABSOLUTE FAVORITES, the ridiculous silver Glinda the Good situation in the middle there. the topmost outfit is charming and stylishly coordinated if kind of a weird thing to wear specifically to hang out with a small child. the remaining two are kind of weird as hell and i can’t decide if i like them, but they get points for being huge. lastly, the most iconic move in the whole episode, when lwaxana crashes her own wedding nude for basically no reason, puts the looks in this one FIRMLY Up There. cumulative rating: 8/10

TNG season 3 episode 24, “ménage à troi”

total number of outfits/costume changes: 4

this episode straight-up sucks but of course, the most important thing is that lwaxana is killing it the entire time which is why it’s the second most powerful on my list. on the top: i just kind of love this one. the asymmetrical cleavage window and sequin/animal print energy of the top have some powerful energies. and on the bottom: at one point she loses her clothes and has to wear a patented Star Trek Shiny Blanket, and then changes into a pretty choice outfit that’s like the exact same color for absolutely no reason. the fact that only one of the sleeves has sequins on it is what makes this one shine in my opinion. also, you’ve already seen the pink one in the middle there because it was so good she also wore it on DS9. i included the picture of her wearing it to a picnic because everyone in that picture looks extremely stylish except for riker. cumulative rating: 9/10 GET IT TOGETHER RIKER

TNG season 2 episode 19, “manhunt”

total number of outfits/ costume changes: 4

every single look in this episode is SO GOD DAMN GOOD. she shows up in an incredible like, sexy fairy godmother ass glittery dress WITH some rhinestone nonsense going on in the cleavage window for no reason except that she’s That Bitch, and all her subsequent outfits, while not going quite as hard, still rule indiscriminately. the shiny multicolored dress & return of the shoulder cutouts is ICONIC. the hot second where she tones it down for her hot date with picard bc she read his mind and figured out that he was boring i guess is still ELEGANT and PEERLESS. and i am going to be thinking about whatever is going on with that purple dress and its enormous fluffy shoulders for the rest of my life. also, not relevant but the outfits she puts her little attaché guy in are also pretty cute. lwaxana troi invented fashion. cumulative rating: 10/10

[totallypathet]

Episode Four

Okay so first things first, I love a ball. I'm just not that psyched when they do them so early on in the season, because it feels so overwhelming when there's 12 queens doing 3 looks each, there's just sooo much to process! Having said all that, I do absolutely adore the ball challenges because it shows us so much about each queen. It's always interesting watching their creative processes and how they think. My favourites in the ball challenges are the ones who really *KimChi voice* embrace the materials. I just find it so boring when they just sort of glue stuff to corsets and don't really incorporate the materials of the challenge. So having said that, let's get into it!

1. Aiden Zhane

Miss Aiden... after the runways the only thing I had to say about Aiden was "really girl?".

She put so little effort into that third outfit. She put less effort into that that Derrick Berry put into the book ball. It was basic, bitch, don't come at it like "well I have a simple aesthetic" simplicity is not low effort. Simplicity is not basic. Simplicity is Gigi Goode's Lady Baller look. It was simple; but it was perfectly fitted, it was a fully realised concept, the fabric choices were perfect - it's simple, but it's effective, it's beautiful, and it's a story. That fucking corset was terrible, and she should've lipsynced for that alone. Her Lady Baller look was cute, I liked the reference, but I've seen it before. Her Basketball wife was horrific. I own that dress, and it's cheap and tacky. Speaking of cheap and tacky, can we talk about that black wig she wore with her third look?! Like don't get me wrong, I'm so glad that she's wearing a different fucking wig finally, but that wig came straight out of a bag and she put it on her head. It had that awful cheap synthetic shine, and I can't believe noone mentioned it.

She's so unpolished and I feel like she just doesn't even care. Shes like Shangie season 2 except not even 10% as charming or likeable. I am so ready for her to leave, and the fact that she's survived 2 eliminations already is beyond me.

2. Brita

Almost everything I've just written above about Aiden Zhane could also apply to Brita. I really really don't like her attitude. She's coming across so bitter and so cocky at the same time - and what's even worse is that I've seen no talent from her to justify her attitude at all!

This week was not a good week for Brita, and honestly I think she should have gone home. I actually really liked her Lady Baller look, it was a clever concept, it was immediately recognisable and it was styled well. The fact that her other two looks were utterly shocking makes me think that that first look was entirely the work of a designer and she had no input whatsoever. The second look?? Where she was like "oh it's an adaptation of Kim K's Met Gala look??? Delusional. Girl, it looked so fucking cheap, it didn't fit that well, and it was ugly ugly ugly. Kim K would never.

All of that pales in comparison to the third look. What was that? Honestly, what the fuck was that? It was so badly made, it looked ugly, it was unrecogniseable, and it was just a catastrophe. I was humiliated for her when she walked out in it. Her lipsyn also wasn't that good. She should be next to leave after Aiden Zhane.

3. Crystal Methyd

Listen, I love Crystal. What the fuck was she wearing for her Basketball Wife look? Choices. Other than that little blip, Crystal made me so happy this week!! He Lady Baller look was perfect, it was exactly the level of fun and quirky I wanted from Crystal, she totally sold me that 80s bowling fantasy! And then her third look!!!! The Carmen Miranda reference was perfect, that dress fit her impeccably, and it moved beautifully! I think she's going to just go from strength to strength and I am so excited to watch her! I never know what she's going to be wearing when she comes around the corner and I love it. Strong night for Crystal!

4. Gigi Goode

I mean, you handed Gigi Goode a design challenge and expected her not to win??? She sold me every look this week, and I loved it. She gave me 3 distinct and recognisable characters, and her presentation of each one was totally different, that's talent. I don't have all that much to say about Gigi this week, because it was all said on the show. She killed it, I think she's going all the way and I cant wait to see what she pulls out next.

5. Heidi N Closet

LET 👏 HEIDI 👏 KEEP 👏 HER 👏 NAME! I'm still so mad about that and I'm not over it. Heidi had a bit of a slip this week for me. Not nearly enough to deserve being in the bottom (especially not next to Aiden and Brita), but it wasn't a great week for her. Her first look was really ill fitting and unfortunate, but I do respect that she took the golf ball and club out on the runway, props can be unpredictable. The second look was cute, but it was just cute, and her third look... wow. I get what she was going for, that very high fashion androgyny, but...that green and that purple... someone put in that gif of Chrissie Teigen 😬😬. I'm glad this happened when there were enough people for her to fall middle of the pack, because she deserves better than to go home for some shoddy looks. But honestly, I do hate when queens go on this show and say "I don't know how to sew, I've only ever made one garment", you know you're coming on the show!!! Learn some sewing basics!! Make some dresses!! You know there's going to be sewing challenges, prepare yourself!!

6. Jackie Cox

Jackie Cox 😍😍😍 Jackie should absolutely have been top 3 this week!! Every. Single. Look. Was. Stunning. Her references were on point. Her shapes were gorgeous. Her presentations were perfect. Her characters were all recognisably different. But all the looks were recognisably Jackie. Jackie was Robbed. She gave me my whole life this week.

7. Jaida Essence Hall

Jaida was absolutely gorgeous this week! Her face is always stunning, but she brought it with her outfits too! And the third outfit was probably my favourite of the week, she knows her body, she understand her shapes and you know what it was nicely executed. I think Jaida is super solid and I don't think a whole lot in this competition is going to phase her.

8. Jan

Jan was also robbed!! I'm still thinking about her Basketball Wife look, how perfect was that! It was exactly what you would see a Basketball Wife wearing, at a Basketball Game. So on point. And the Janel bag? Iconic.

Her Lady Baller look was absolutely what I wanted from her as well! It was made of footballs! (I refuse to say soccer balls, I'm not American) And then she dribbled a football down the runway! In heels! Stunning.

Her third look was couture, high fashion, and so distinctive from her other 2 looks. Honestly top 3 should have been Jan, Jackie and Gigi. You can't change my mind.

9. Nicky Doll

This was a great week for Nicky! Which, to be fair, was to be expected in a fashion challenge. But she did a fabulous job! I think her Lady Baller was my favourite of all the Lady Baller looks. The makeup was perfect, the wig was stunning - also I challenge anyone to clock Nicky Doll's wigs! It's so strange that out of drag she has dark hair and it looks stunning, but when in drag she's mostly a blonde and it's so perfect on her. The gilet she wore for her second look was stunning, and I loved her styling. That third look?! Iconic. It was like the high fashion baby of Roxxxy Andrews' Sugar Ball look, and Yvie Oddly's Farm to Fashion look. I loved it. I love her. I think she has a really great personality too! I don't get what the judges are saying about her not having any personality. I really hope she pulls it out next week - I already know her runway is going to be perfect!

10. Rock M Sakura

Oh my baby Rock! She didn't deserve to be bottom 2 this week. Everything she did was just a tiny bit off. Her pads were a little weird this week, I'm not sure what happened there, but that did throw me off when she was walking. Her Lady Ballers look was great! I didn't get the judges critiques about it not being enough! If she'd have worn something elaborate on the bottom, they would have said it was too much - which is exactly the critique she got for her third look! I do agree that her second look was a little bit pedestrian. I actually lived her third look though! It was over the top, but that's Rock M's style! And the way she styles it was gorgeous. I liked that it wasn't a complete dress, it looked really sculptural and architectural. The fact that she went home and Aiden Zhane was safe is so beyond me. Robbed. Also she is a better performer than Brita, she just struggled with that dress, which is such a shame. I'm glad they really let us get to know her before she left though, she's not just going to be that "oh yeah her" queen who shows up at the finale.

11. Widow Von Du

I like Widow so much, but I don't know that she's going to go all the way at the moment. I really really really want her to pull it out next week! She was so amazing that first week, and since then she's just sort of coasted for me. Her looks this week were just okay. Her first look was really stunning, but the cheap horse stick prop made it look costumey, which is such a shame. Her second look was pretty, but it swallowed her up a bit, I felt like it was wearing her. Her third look I actually really liked but omg those shoes. What was she thinking. It ruined the whole thing for me. I really want her to succeed and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for her next week!

There is one other thing I'd like to say about this week, which is that the Miss Trunchbull look that walked itself down the runway was incredible. If anyone knows the designer of that look, please let me know, because they deserve recognition for how great that look was.

Edit: @rattlethosestars let me know the designer of the look is Florence D'Lee, who you can follow on instagram here!

Otherwise, that's all for the breakdown this week! I am so looking forward to "Gay's Anatomy" next week, I feel like it could be such a entertaining challenge!

[k1ngj0ve]

I hate fashion with a... probably pathetic amount of vitriol

I dont understand it and it drives me insane to listen to people talk about it

Still though!!! I hold out this hope that if i keep looking at it i will understand and improve myself. i follow several fashion youtubers. all but one are vintage fashion, which i understand because thats like... basically period dress. they will get really intensely upset about mixing up style (people didnt wear that in the 40s thats a 60s invention and THAT is a 20s invention and no woman of the time period would EVER wear something so old)

And i dont really understand the anger there because it looks pretty and someone NOW is mixing those things so maybe someone THEN would do it, but i do understand wanting things to be historically accurate

But i started following modern fashion youtubers now and im fucking BAFFLED. 

How the fuck does fashion even work?? How do things go in and out of fashion? This girl was talking (clearly with a lot of knowledge and love) about early 2000s trends coming back into style, things i am pretty sure we all look back on and see as tacky (whale tails, low rise jeans, etc) and how they are coming back into fashion??

1. if they were good then why did they fall out of fashion?

2. if they were bad, why are they back in?

It reminded me of the Ugg boot trend. Pretty much the only trendy thing i ever have owned, the only NICE thing ive ever owned, were knockoff ugg boots that were visually identical to the real thing. They were soft, they were warm, they were comfortable, i wore them every day for like 6 months until they ripped in half. Couldnt buy new ones! because they were out of style now. Why did they go out of style?? They were GOOD and anyone could wear them!

I remember during the ‘lowrise jeans with tube tops’ era i was 14 and too chubby for low rise jeans and too busty for tube tops and the fashion clearly only worked for people with person trainers, so i would guess it fell out of fashion because since stores stopped selling normal jeans too many people who did not look good in low rise jeans ruined it for everyone and it became tacky? then WHY ARE THEY COMING BACK. the youtube girl literally said ‘buy high rise jeans while they are still available’. WHY?? everyone i knew fuckign HATED low rise jeans, they only look good on the super thin and 75% of america is fat, and culturally we decided they are tacky, WHY WOULD THEY COME BACK

Slight digression, same topic. Was looking through her style analysis videos of movies. ‘this person is visually unfashionable because her clothes are ill-fitted. technically the outfit actually works, its a nice one, but because it is ill fitted it is ugly’. But then in the same video she shows all these super oversized outfits on models and says that they can also be fashionable. WHICH IS IT? how does one buy oversized clothes and have them be fashionable instead of ill fitted? How do you well-fit OVERSIZED CLOTHES? 

My initial thought, what ive believed my whole life, is that the difference between fashionable and unfashionable is being skinny and hot, but the characters in the movies she's talking about are like, fucking Anne Hathoway, so what the hell is happening here, i do not UNDERSTAND what do you WANT!?? And none of the videos have anyone above a size 6 so when shes talking about ‘achieving a modern silhouette’ or a ‘90s silhouette’ like what the fuck is she TALKING ABOUT? i dont understand your alien language! None of this stuff appears to even be POSSIBLE if you have a different body type so what does this mean for everyone else??

One last thing. in the most recent video i watched she said ‘haltertops are comign back into fashion, i think they are wonderful, they are so versatile etc etc, i believe everyone should own at least one haltertop’ i have never in my entire life been halter-top shaped, not since i was 7 years old with and eating disorder, its not gonna fucking happen, and the 95% of your style inspo pictures, your ‘this looks great’ and ‘look how many ways it can be styled’ pictures, they are ALWAYS fucking tiny. 

MAKE IT MAKE SENSE

[fzhrrr]

Wedding stories

Ive been wanting to write about my wedding since, like 3 months ago. Somehow it got postponed every single day coz there’s always things to do. Life after marriage sometimes mean splitting yourself in 3 different directions. Your off days arent just yours anymore. That one off day per week that i got also belongs to myself, my husband, my family, his family, my dirty laundry, my books, my skin and i guess you can pretty much guess where along that list does my blog goes down.

Anyway, wedding stories. Disclaimer, rather than a dreamy- fantasize version of romantic fairy tale, my wedding is far far away from that.

Just last week, we had our sanding ceremony on A’s side. I was surprised that it was probably my favourite (most bearable) out of all three receptions. 

I think the reason being is that we learned a lot of no-no’s from the previous majlis. This time around we decided to wear a traditional ensemble, something loose, not too heavy and just comfortable to be in on a hot day. And i especially love how the pictures turned out. Honestly a teeny tiny piece of super malayness in me kinda dreamed of having this picture. Two pengantin on a simple pelamin, in a songket outfit, headpiece and all. Its the kind of picture you’d hang on your wall and hope to one day proudly show your grandkids. (and they’d probably laugh on how out of fashion we were)

But yeah, it was nice. In Muar I did my own make up, and was so happy with how it turned out. We blew 800 ringgit on make up alone during the akad and majlis in cheras and i was so cranky because it was so horrible. The one during akad wasnt so bad (it was how people deemed make up pengantin should be, but my eyes were heavy and i look jahat in all the pics), but the night time do was just, unbelievable. I was in such a bad mood the only reason i got out of the house was because it was too late, and we cant keep the guests waiting. 

I paid titi athirah, an old schoolmate to do my makeup and she so claimed it was at a discounted price. Didnt want to be so fussy coz apparently 800 is “cheap” for two ceremonies. I said i wanted just a basic look with deep red lips, she then insist on putting lighter foundation to make me look lighter coz its night time, then she had the audacity to put cheap glittters on my eyes and these tacky red gloss on my lips.

Pictured- annoyed me knowing she messed up, and knowing we ran out of time to fix things. Thick brows, tacky lips, orange skin,I look like a russian pornstar- and not the expensive kind.

I spend the whole evening feeling so ugly and embarassed. Yes, thats the exact words. In every picture my face was either grey from the wrong foundation shade or just sour, because i knew i look bad. I dont feel like myself, i was a horrible bride and A had to calm me down through out. I confronted this to titi, and she said to make it up, why dont she do one more service for free. That offer is just pure garbage coz dude, the damage is done and there’s no undo button to reset your wedding day. It is what it is.

I was so uncomfortable that i wasnt fully able to appreciate those who came to my wedding. I was reluctant to say hi, i dont wanna meet people, i just wanted it to end quickly. The crankiness outweighed my happiness of actually seeing friends and family who came to celebrate with us. 

So this was one of the biggest lessons and tips to all brides: on your wedding day you only have one job- to be pretty and pleasant. And the only way for that to happen you need to be comfortable. 

In Muar, there was some miscommunications which in the end lead me to doing my own make up. Oh people were just hogging around me- your eyes are so plain, your lipstick is too pale, your foundation is too dark, your base arent thick enough we can see your pores and human skin imperfections! The comments were so crude up to a point where i stood up for myself and said, can everyone just let me do my make up they way i want it. Because i feel like people can be so disrespectful when they want you to conform to their standard of beauty, without them realising it (cause hey, its only right for them to criticize and diminish the bride self worth on her wedding day)

I aint gonna be homeless-looking-russian pornstar 2.0.

And im glad i stood up for myself.

True, my make up wasnt perfect. Brows were crooked, there were shiny patch of oily skin all over my face. But A said i look nice and comfortable (like my usual make up do), and that was all that mattered. I was happy and glowing and excited to be bride of the day. And it obviously made me happier coz my man knows what i like best for me.

The kampung majlis was lively. Kompang and berarak and that whole shenanigan. Food was good and i ate like theres no tomorrow. The only problem was we didnt know how to pengantin, so after the formal meal we sort of just sat inside and mind our own business. We didnt invite our friends, and we knew <1% of the guests. A has always been the quiet guy and i was definitely not gonna muster up all my strength and bravado to go table to table and greet people. Took a few pictures with my family, pretended to drink water a few times and we went for an outdoor photoshoot with my brother. We really didnt know what to do.

The sun was scorching hot and we just wanted an out from the awkwardness of facing humans. You are the main star of a show people half heartedly come to see on your post postcall day. If there’s one principal i live by, its that you are an adult who can make your own good and bad decisions. You dont have to stay in awkward moments, you are allowed to make selfish choices. 

And we chose an outdoor photoshoot at 3pm. Here’s us, barely able to open our eyes, in a picture where there’s more semak than sweetness. (but at least we got out of the awkward pengantin situation)

Kudos to idi, because this time we didnt have to pay the photgrapher thousands of ringgit for a few good shots.

I feel like this post is getting too long, and i ran out of energy to continue typing. Point is, pae’s married now. Wedding both sides are done so if the stress can go away and let my period cycle, skin condition and blood pressure return to normal that would be nice.

Do take note that being married is magical. And a life filled with love is unimaginably more beautiful than anything you can imagine. My rant is about the wedding, the wifing part i do enjoy bery bery much.

Here’s some random wedding shots for keepsake. enjoy:)

[krissysbookshelf]

Enjoy An Exclusive Sneek Peek Of: The Authentics by Abdi Nazemian!

  Daria Esfandyar is Iranian-American and proud of her heritage, unlike some of the “Nose Jobs” in the clique led by her former best friend, Heidi Javadi. Daria and her friends call themselves the Authentics, because they pride themselves on always keeping it real. But in the course of researching a school project, Daria learns something shocking about her past, which launches her on a journey of self-discovery. It seems everyone is keeping secrets. And it’s getting harder to know who she even is any longer. With infighting among the Authentics, her mother planning an over-the-top sweet sixteen party, and a romance that should be totally off limits, Daria doesn’t have time for this identity crisis.  

LEARN MORE

  Chapter One

  WHEN YOU LOOK UP AT the sky in Los Angeles, all you see is a strange film of smog, like the whole city is filtered through the lens of your dirtiest sunglasses. You can’t see any stars. And if you’re really unlucky, there’s a blimp up there writing the words “Happy Birthday, Heidi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” in the sky in pink. Yes, with sixteen exclamation points, one for every year of my former best friend Heidi Javadi’s life.

I was at the rented mansion hosting Heidi’s sweet sixteen party, wishing I was anywhere else. Seriously, I would rather have been dissecting a bat or listening to my mother lecture me about how there’s nothing shameful about Spanx.

Caroline led Joy, Kurt, and me inside. I turned my gaze down from the sky toward the mansion the Javadis rented for Heidi’s party. Beautiful cocktail waitresses in pink dresses stood at the entrance of the event, holding pink champagne for the grown-ups and pink “Heidi-tinis” for us, welcoming us to this very opulent version of hell.

“You guys know this is exactly what Iran was like before the revolution, right?” I asked.

“Obviously,” Kurt said. “Everyone knows all of Iran was painted pink until those mullahs stepped in.”

“And Heidi’s name was permanently emblazoned over the skyline of Tehran,” I added.

Caroline laughed, slapping me on the shoulder a little too hard. Caroline did everything in her life with a little too much passion. She was the most outspoken member of our group of friends. If someone was leading the way, it was usually Caroline.

Kurt, Joy, and Caroline had been their own little posse since junior high. I joined the crew when high school began, so I was still the newbie. But I was the one who had dubbed us the Authentics, because my new friends were the first people I’d met more concerned with being who they were than with who others wanted them to be. We weren’t the coolest kids in school, or the most popular, but we were the realest. At least that’s what we thought.

“Wow,” Caroline said, looking at the pinkstravaganza around us. “Is this the most Persian party in the history of parties?”

“It may be super-Persian,” I said, “but it has nothing to do with being Iranian.”

“Semantics,” Caroline said. Being my friend, she knew that Persian and Iranian were terms the same exact community of people used to describe themselves. Persians felt pride in their ancient empire and shame about the current regime of their homeland, while Iranians believed in accuracy over pride and shame. “This is who you are, Daria. Embrace your truth. You do you.”

“You do you is a really gross expression,” Kurt said. “It’s trying to be about self-empowerment, but doesn’t it sound like it’s about masturbation?”

“Ew,” Joy said. “Seriously. I do not want to picture you doing yourself, Kurt. And can we stop? This is actually Daria’s culture, so can we all be a little less judgy?”

Joy got it since her parents were from Nigeria, which is nothing like Iran, but which is still somewhere different. She got that living in one world in your home and in a completely different world outside your home was like being two puzzle pieces that didn’t really fit together.

We found a cocktail waitress holding a pink tray of Heiditinis, and grabbed some.

Caroline gazed around the room. Pink balloons, pink disco balls, pink tablecloths, pink cupcakes. “This is color fascism,” she announced drily.

“Or tint totalitarianism,” Kurt said, and Caroline high-fived him.

But I was still stuck on Iranian stereotypes. “I mean, my culture basically invented poetry, math, and rice,” I said. “But all people seem to care about is that some of us have tacky taste, wear too much cologne, and build really ugly McMansions.”

“Hey,” Kurt said. “At least you have a culture. The only culture in my house growing up was homemade yogurt.” Kurt’s mom was an actress or therapist (depending on what day you asked her), and she was all about growing her own vegetables and fermenting kombucha.

Kurt had a point, but I hated that most people who heard the words Persian, fifteen, and Beverly Hills would immediately assume I was a spoiled Persian princess. They would’ve thought I was one of those girls who pouted until her father hired One Direction to perform at her sweet sixteen party. For the record, I liked One Direction . . . when I was nine.

The girl you’re imagining—the beautiful Persian princess—that’s Heidi, who stood in a circle with her Persian posse, aka the Nose Jobs. Heidi looked up at me and smiled. Her just-whitened teeth were perfect. She was wearing a skintight pink leopard-print dress. Her hair looked like it was straightened on an ironing board, and it had pink highlights for the occasion. Basically, she looked like a cross between Kylie Jenner and Hello Kitty, and by the way, she was the kind of girl who would’ve taken that as a compliment.

Heidi gave me a small wave with her left hand, and I noticed how perfect her manicure was. She had turned into our mothers, and I had turned into a chunky girl with dirty fingernails. I gave Heidi an awkward wave with my left hand, and then I quickly tried to hide my hands in my pockets. But the poufy pink dress I wished I weren’t wearing didn’t have pockets, so the gesture just felt weird and unfortunate. I knew better than to bother walking over to Heidi, and she didn’t come over either. It was hard to imagine that Heidi and I used to be best friends, but that was a long time ago. Now she was beautiful and popular, and I was, well, authentic.

Heidi’s mother, basically a grown-up version of Heidi, approached her and whisked her off to another room, no doubt to greet some elderly Persians. Respecting your elders is a really big thing for us.

As the Authentics and I did a lap around the room, I realized this was the first time my two disparate worlds—high school and Tehrangeles—had been brought together. To my left were the drama kids. To my right were my father’s golf buddies. To my left was our high school soccer team. To my right were my mother’s rummy ladies. And then I saw my parents gliding toward me, looking sophisticated as ever. We had arrived separately, since I’d gotten ready at Joy’s house.

“There you are,” Baba said. “You look beautiful.”

He was lying. I looked fat and pimply, though the dress Joy had picked out for me was cool in a throwback kind of way.

“Thanks, Baba,” I said.

“Hello, kids,” my mom said as she took in our colorful outfits. Caroline was wearing a pink bow tie with a vintage white polyester suit. Kurt was wearing a pink checkered shirt, white pants, and his signature fedora. Joy wanted to be a designer, so she’d picked all our outfits, but obviously hers looked best, a fuchsia disco dress she found on Melrose that she swore once belonged to Bianca Jagger. Joy was good at dressing us, but an expert at dressing herself. True confession: I had to Google Bianca Jagger, but I didn’t tell Joy. She took her style icons very seriously.

“It’s wonderful to see you all,” Sheila said to my friends. My mother liked me to call her Sheila, probably because it allowed her to pretend she was my older sister.

She was lying too. I mean, my mother liked the Authentics all right, but she wished I were still best friends with Heidi. She got Heidi, and she had no idea what to do with the Authentics. Maybe it’s because my mother valued being fabulous way more than being real. If my mother still believed in the Persian Empire, then she also believed she was its Cookie.

“Did you see the aquarium of pink goldfish in the bathroom?” Sheila said. “They’re so beautiful.”

We all laughed.

“What’s so funny?” Sheila asked. “I thought it was clever.”

“Beauty is in the pinkeye of the beholder,” I said, and my mother gave me that look she gave me when she thought I must be an alien she birthed.

“LOL,” Caroline said. Caroline’s goal in life was to skip college, move to New York, and become our generation’s preeminent lesbian performance artist. In her last piece, she vowed to incorporate an internet acronym into every sentence she spoke. IMHO, it wasn’t her strongest piece (that was definitely the one with the rats and the stilettos), but it did get people talking about communication and technology, and how we had all stopped really listening to each other.

Baba grabbed a pink meatball from a waiter’s tray. “Is this meatball undercooked or color-treated?” he asked as he popped it into his mouth.

Sheila laughed and threw her hair back. She turned to me and asked, “So, any ideas for your party yet?”

“We’ve talked about this. I don’t want some gross sweet sixteen party,” I said. “I just want to invite my friends—my real friends—over to the house.”

Perhaps sensing a tense mother-daughter moment, Caroline announced, “I think I’m gonna go try some pink fondue. The line doesn’t look too bad right now.” Joy and Kurt followed Caroline, and though I wanted to go with them, I stayed behind with my parents. Sometimes I felt like so much of my life was an obligation. There were so many things I had to do that it was hard to remember what I really wanted to do. But that’s what I loved most about the Authentics. They were the first part of my life that hadn’t been curated by my parents.

“Daria, please understand,” my mother pleaded. “We can’t throw a party without inviting the Ghorbanis, and the Palizis, and the . . .”

As Sheila continued rattling off the names of every Iranian family within a ten-mile radius of Beverly Hills, I caught Baba giving me a sympathetic glance. “Sheila djoon,” Baba softly interrupted, “I think Daria already understands that you would like to invite the entire Persian community to her sweet sixteen.”

“It would be rude not to,” Sheila said, as if we had no choice in the matter.

“Yes, I understand,” Baba said. “But since it’s Daria’s birthday, perhaps we can all compromise . . . and only invite half of the Persian community.”

And to my surprise, my mother threw her hair back and laughed again. This was her physical cue that she was having a good time. She did it when she was dancing, watching reruns of Seinfeld, or winning a round of rummy. Her hair was her tell. Kurt, whose mother had instilled in him a very deep love for astrology, said it was because she was a Leo. He said Leos needed their manes brushed all the time. I think Kurt meant that Sheila needed to feel admired, and Baba had figured out exactly how to do that. As for me, I wasn’t much of a mane brusher. I was the girl who’d chopped the hair off every Barbie doll I ever had.

“Well, I love parties,” Sheila said. She wasn’t lying. Sheila was always telling me to dress up more, go out more, put on more makeup, and have more fun. Sometimes, when I was in the library studying, I would tweet that I was having a dance party with friends just so Sheila would get off my back.

“So, Daria, if you don’t want your sweet sixteen to be the party of the century,” she continued, “then how about we focus on my forty-ninth birthday party next summer. I’d like everything to be lavender.”

“Even the goldfish?” I cracked, and to my shock, Sheila laughed and threw her hair back. Had I brushed her mane without even meaning to?

“Okay, we’ll throw you a lavender forty-ninth birthday,” Baba said, with a smile my way. In truth, she was fifty-two, but we let her get away with shifting her age as she saw fit. “It’ll be a party to remember,” Baba said. “We’ll paint the house lavender, and have lavender fondue, and lavender meatballs, of course.”

Sheila laughed and slapped Baba’s arm playfully. He pulled her close to him and gave her a kiss. And by kiss, I mean he went for it.

“You guys, get a room,” I said. “Preferably soundproofed.” Their passion was a cruel reminder that I had never even kissed anyone.

Luckily, a slide show began, diverting my parents’ attention. The whole party oohed and aahed as photos from Heidi’s past appeared on-screen. There was baby Heidi, smiling a gaptoothed smile in her mother’s arms. There was toddler Heidi, in ballet class, obviously. There was seven-year-old Heidi, randomly sitting on Kelly Ripa’s lap. There was tween Heidi, riding a roller coaster with her father. There were Heidi and her new friends, looking airbrushed and blow-dried, posing on top of Heidi’s dad’s car like they were Bravo reality stars doing a Carl’s Jr. commercial. And there was Heidi and me. We were twelve years old, lounging by her pool. Heidi, of course, looked adorable. I, on the other hand, looked frightening. My skin was covered in acne, my hair was frizzy, and I was wearing a too-tight bathing suit that made me look like a raspberry muffin.

All around us, the Persian parents commented on how cute Heidi looked and how beautiful she always was and how she looked just like her mother. I hated myself in that moment, because I wanted their approval as well. I wanted to be cute and beautiful and to look like my mother. The picture was up there for all of five seconds, but by the fourth second, I felt like I was being suffocated by it.

“Can we please leave?” I begged my parents in an urgent whisper.

“They haven’t even cut the cake,” my mother replied in a hushed tone. “It would be rude to—”

But I didn’t wait for her to finish the sentence. Instead, I walked out, causing a few of the guests to turn their attention away from the slide show. My parents followed me outside, and I could feel my mother’s annoyance radiating off her.

Once we were outside and alone, I turned to my mother ferociously. “You know who’s rude, Sheila?” I asked. “Heidi is rude. She makes me feel awful.”

“She’s your friend,” Sheila argued.

“If she’s my friend, then the shah and the ayatollah were besties.”

“Who is the shah in this situation?” Sheila asked.

“Obviously, she is,” I said.

My mother rolled her eyes. If anyone was going to be the shah in this analogy, it would be her daughter.

“Maybe you’re the queen,” Sheila said.

“Fine,” I said, “I’m the queen.”

Sheila placed a hand on my shoulder and looked me in the eye. “Now you just need to believe it.”

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